forgiveness is...

we had a really interesting object lesson in a class today (kudos to Claire Canfield for this activity)

to start the activity, we partnered up, and each held the end of the most uncomfortable, scratchy rope i have ever held in my hand. then each person took a turn answering the following question about a grudge or other conflict they have not been able to get over:

1. i'm still hanging on because...

2. the emotions i am experiencing around this are...

3. the consequences for holding on, for me and the relationship(s) are...

4. the benefits to me and my relationship(s) are...

they were tough questions to answer. i have a conflict in my life that i have not been able to resolve. the offender continues to betray my trust and cross boundaries that i set time and time again. it is difficult to let go of the anger, frustration, and pain that this person has caused me in my life. 

i want to move on. i want to be healed and have a better relationship with this person, but they seem so oblivious to what they are doing to me. 

sleep has evaded me, my mental health has decreased, i worry constantly because of this individual and try so hard to please them, despite their actions towards me. 

that's when the professor wrote the last prompt on the board:

I CHOOSE TO LET GO

you'd think it would be easy right, just releasing your hand on the rope and dropping it. 

but it wasn't. 

i was almost in tears over this concept and forgiveness felt concealed by my lack of hope. 

i could not let go. 

as i sat there, years and years of bitter feelings welling up inside of me, i could not let go of the rope. my partner in this lesson wasn't being hindered by me not letting go, in fact, she could care less about what i did. my hand shook as i contemplated what letting go and choosing to forgive would look like for me in my conflict. the itchy rope scratched my hands. 

 the anger and frustration and pain was addicting. i enjoyed being the victim. as crazy as that makes me sound, i realized that there was something appealing to me about being "victimized" by everyone around me. it made me feel validated, like i was something unimportant.

i find myself constantly putting myself as the victim. and in some cases i am. 

and even though i can't control the first instance i become a victim, i can control what happens after. 

i do not have to remain a victim. 

forgiveness is something that only i can control. it isn't about controlling the other person. we've all heard the quote that says: 

it's a ridiculous thought to drink poison and wait for the other person to die. but when we hold grudges, seek revenge, or withhold forgiveness hoping to "punish" them, all we are doing is hindering our own growth. when you hold onto a grudge, you think it controls them. 

but really, the grudge controls you. 

forgiveness is for me. it does not require the other person to apologize. it does require seeking revenge. it doesn't involve speaking to the other person. 

forgiveness is about choosing to allow healing to take place in your life. 

i had become the victim once,  not by choices, but i did not have to remain a victim. 

"but it hurts!" i exclaim. 

"the pain you feel is in direct proportion to the level of care you have towards the thing you lost." 

i do care about this person, that's why their actions hurt so much. i still clung to that rope and refused to let go. my pain is real, my experience is real and forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. i cannot control their actions. i cannot control how they choose to live their life, even if it goes against what i believe. the only thing i can control is opening my hand and letting go. 

forgiveness comes from the root word forgiefan which means to give up, grant, or allow. 

i think forgiveness is the key to unlocking the door to healing. when you forgive, you open yourself to a more complete healing. you allow something better to come into your life and give up the anger that has you clinging to the rope. 

i chose to let go.